aaron gayah

just a personal photo blog and journal.

Filtering by Tag: my so-called life

The Gingerbread House

It’s a rut of sorts that people stumble into sometimes, and for her it was like trying to ride a bicycle that would tip over the instant she slipped up - never mind the reason for that. And as of late it took her all just to stay where she was. This energy that she had once upon a time came from a genuine but naïve desire to do better, to be better. But that was depleted now. And the consequences - those unforgiving bastards - well they took their toll, each manifesting in its own time and form. And when the onslaught didn’t let up, the logical urgency of executive requests, pending deadlines, exams - well - it fell away. Then there was the procrastination, of course, where she kept waiting for good sense to will a response, and she knew that wasn’t sustainable even when she managed to get by again and again and again this way. Because there’s a point where her gingerbread house would come crashing down and part of her should have been concerned but wasn’t and another part of her was gunning for it because nothing changes if nothing changes. And it was time for a change.

But being naïve wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Striving for better meant having an idea, a vision of what better looked like, one that wasn’t sabotaged by the naysayer within. In the past what helped was remembering why she started, or her introspecting on how far she had come. But this time though, she would make the effort to connect with like minds to help put the situation in perspective. She came to understand that her journey wasn’t over, so she hadn’t failed, not yet. It was just that she had been in the midst of this chaos for a rather long time so her thoughts were clouded, and the obvious, wasn’t. And she realized that her gingerbread house crashing down wasn’t the worst thing in the world cos’ everything in this life had its purpose, and its had already been served. She paused for a bit to let it all sink in. Then, with her inner balance somewhat restored, she found it in herself to get back up on the bicycle once more.

Enough

People always say how you should be yourself…like…yourself is this definite thing…like a toaster…or something…like you can know what it is even. but every so often I’ll have like…a moment…when just being myself in my life…right where I am...is like…enough.
— Angela Chase (My So-Called Life)